When she was 19, Apphia Kumar had a sexual epiphany. She realised that birds and bees were not part of her libidinal zoology and her erotic appetite trespassed on both genders. Kumar realised she was bisexual. When she was 21 years old, she confessed to her elder sister about her amorous duality; the sibling was supportive but her mother refused to discuss it, though now she is slowly accepting her daughter's predilection.
Kumar is categorical that her sexuality is not up for debate, vote or discussion in her family. When she turned 24, she decided to "come out". "Knowing that a mass community of people like me exists is encouraging," she says, "coming out was a liberating process." But it was not easy, as she had to constantly remind people that being bisexual does not mean "pervert". "I'm not promiscuous but nor am I a coward," she says. "And no, it isn't the same thing as being gay."
Indian sexuality, liberal and sophisticated before the British imposed Victorian values on India in the late 19th century is experiencing a flamboyant revolution. Mumbai-based sexual historian Mario D'Penha offers a perspective that goes back two centuries. "Then sexual desire was far more fluid," he says. "Indian sexual identity was far less binary, gender-centric and defined by social status."
The Kama Sutra, the ancient Indian libidinal tour de force, mentions bisexuals-a category labelled "kaamis"-like Chudala. In Vedic times, bisexuality was perceived as a sexual variation for men and women whose natures had experimental streaks. Kaamis are those who are concurrently drawn to both sexes. Of the five gender categories the Kama Sutra mentions-the svairinis, the ilibas, the shandhas, napumsakas and the kaamis-10 to 15 per cent are bisexual. Multiple sexuality implies the power of choice, which does not apply to either heterosexuals or homosexuals. The Kama Shastra, the precursor to the Kama Sutra, categorises bisexuals as men who patronise transvestites and prostitutes, men who like lesbians, the eunuchs of royal harems and zenana-mates who turn lesbian while their kings are away; as well as male servants who start as homosexuals and later prefer women.
Three Factors that Define Sexual Conduct
Bisexuality has a looped logic of its own
BEHAVIOUR: What they do
ATTRACTION: Who they are attracted to
IDENTITY: What they think of themselves
Source: Brinda Bose's upcoming book on the politics of sexuality in contemporary India.
But in the 21st century India, bisexuality carries a singular stigma. "Mostly any form of non-peno-vaginal-sex was seen as a waste of the procreativity processes," explains Ashok Row Kavi, the prominent LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Transgender) rights activist. "Excess is taboo outside the framework of marriage and inheritance."
Thirty-four-year-old anthropologist and theatre actor Akshay Khanna has curly hair and intense eyes; he prefers the word "queer" to describe himself. "I don't feel the need for a sexual identity," he scoffs. He has disdain for his gay friends calling him a coward and his heterosexual ones accusing him of wanting to be bisexual because "it is cool".
What is cool for the Indian bisexual is the World Wide Web. Dedicated sites-planetromeo.com, manjam.com, gaydia.com, shybi.com, weirdtown.com, bicupid.com-abound, frequented by married men who advertise their explicit pictures. Namit, 25, a sales executive and Ankush, 32, met on gaydia.com, leading to regular assignations in hotel rooms. The sexual preferences of bisexuals on the web are clearly specified: like red lips, thin waists, curly hair or feminine; Delhi-based businessman, Bhatia Sahib, 40, owns an export unit at Naraina and describes himself as "dusky, honest, fun loving and friendly". He likes boys and girls with "effeminate mannerisms that turn me on". Bhatia also lists that he has three girlfriends-two are married-and seven boyfriends. Though he is apprehensive of his teenage daughter discovering his profile, it doesn't deter him from posting his photographs on the web.
On an average, seven out of 10 members describe their sexual orientation as bisexual and one in three is married. Middle age is celebrated with a sense of bravado; L.L. Gupta at 62 claims to be young at heart; his profile picture reveals a frail figure with a potbelly. The Internet is a cathartic confessional; marital status, profession, place of residence, choices and fantasies-shut in a room with Rishi Kapoor and Dimple Kapadia in Bobby; their amative encounters: alfresco group sex with both boyfriend and girlfriend on the apartment roof-are all displayed unselfconsciously.
"Coming out was liberating. I'm not a pervert, but nor am I a coward."APPHIA KUMAR
At 19, she realised that she was bisexual and later, confided in her sister. Kumar prohibits her sexuality from being a subject for debate in her family.
Major Ajay is one such chatroom regular. "I'm matured, honest, chocolate colour, hot man of 40 years (age)/31 (inches of waist)/63 kg (weight)/ 165 cm (height), reside in Mumbai," reads his profile. "People play sports or watch movies in their free time. I like doing men," he confides. He is into vanilla sex, anal sex, body contact, exhibitionism, kissing, masturbation, one-on-one oral sex, underwear voyeurism. Fetishes? "Cut denim, feet, nipples, rubber/PVC, smoking and uniforms." Meeting places? "The place is not a problem but my house is out of bounds," Ajay says. "I think my wife suspects but I guess she does not want to confront the truth. But we are a happy couple. She is the love of my life."
From his confessions, it is clear that the major is attracted to both sexes and coupling with women is not a compensation for not having sex with men. Among upwardly mobile young men and women in Delhi and Mumbai, exclusive bisexual parties are getting popular. Ram Prasad, a South Delhi pimp who supplies both girls and gigolos for these parties which are held in private residences and suburban farmhouses, says that many married couples ask for boys and girls simultaneously. A business couple from Green Park, Delhi, married for 12 years with two children, say they are comfortable about their bisexuality; "We hire both males and females and all have sex together."
Kavi's opinion is that sexual repression is rampant mostly among the middle classes and there are tightly monitored small caste groups like the Jat Khaps. "The poor cannot afford morality and the rich don't need it," he says.
"Indian sexual identity was fluid, far less binary, gender-centric and defined by social status."MARIO D'PENHA, Sexual historian
"Many MSMs (men having sex with men) are also married to women and are a 'bridge' to infect them with HIV in monogamous marriages."ASHOK ROW KAVI, Transgender activist
A 27-year-old bisexual Delhi cop, P. Chaudhury, originally from Rajasthan who got married last year, says, "As a kid, I would have sex with my classmates in the village while fantasising about girls." His first affair with a girl happened only when he turned 19. Chaudhury refers to his bisexuality as "time pass". "I never get back home before 11 p.m.," he says. "It is very tough with the family being away and I need recreation, too." The policeman finds sexual partners randomly on streets. "I am in an active relationship with two women and four men," he confesses; he met one of them while sorting out a minor car crash, another who he had stopped for drunken driving who has now become one of his regular "time passes" and two had offered him a cigarette and invited him home. But it doesn't work emotionally so smoothly for all bisexuals. Life is complicated for the 26-year-old graphic designer Shefali (name changed on request). She has multiple male sexual partners who are unaware that she has a lesbian girlfriend who is jealous of her regular boyfriend; she threatens to expose Shefali to all. "I tell my girlfriend I need them both," says a distressed Shefali. "But she insists I choose one."
"My gay friends tell me that I am not brave and the heterosexual ones say I want to be bisexual because it is cool."Akshay Khanna
The anthropologist and theatre actor prefers to describe himself as "queer".
For many bisexuals, homosexuality is not dominantly an emotional act. Vishal, 33, a Mumbai resident who works with a multinational company, is married for three years and has a two-year-old son. His was a love marriage but his wife is unaware that he has been sexually active with men before and also after marriage. "My bisexuality is a closet activity and I keep it hidden from my wife," says Vishal. "She will never understand." He confesses that his desire for men is an activity that boosts his performance with his wife: "I need both." He is a man of clearly defined preferences: sex with straight men with no penetration, loves oral sex; pansy, effeminate men turn him off.
A highly paid software professional and bisexual based in Chennai, Vankat, 35, is also happily married with two children; he echoes Vishal's dismissal of the emotional quotient in bisexual relationships. "I do it because it is easy to get men," he says. So, is bisexuality the antithesis of monogamy? Kumar disagrees. "People who use 'bisexuality' as an excuse for their promiscuity are simply looking to blame someone for their own actions," she says. Chennai-based Dr L. Ramakrishnan, an authoritative voice for bisexuals who heads Programs and Research, Solidarity and Action Against HIV Infection in India (SAATHI), is indignant about moral crusaders. "Sexual orientation is not a predictor of monogamy, polyamory (the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of all involved), infidelity, commitment, promiscuity or celibacy," he protests.
Noted sociologist Ashish Nandy's views in his elaborate study on masculine sexuality in India is that though tension exists between gays and bisexuals in specific homo-friendly spaces in India, gay men feel that bisexuals have the cake and eat it too while the mainstream society perceives gays as deviants who "choose" to reject marriage to women or connect with a heterosexual society. Heterosexuals consider bisexuals transitional gays according to Nandy; both gays and straight men describe bisexuals as opportunists, promiscuous individuals who are indiscriminate about satisfying their carnality. "They say you enjoy the best of two worlds, but in practice it is the worst of the two; you are like a dhobi ka kutta, na ghar ka na ghat ka," says Ajay.
Sexual preferences are clearly defined on the Net. Red lips, thin hips, curly hair, or effeminates irrespective of gender.
Almost all bisexuals interviewed confessed that they have to deal with biphobia-hostility from heterosexual and homosexuals alike. A study, carried out by the Mumbai-based Hamsafar Trust on 274 MSMs (Men who have Sex with Men) in Mumbai, revealed that 40 per cent have sex with women, half of them on a regular basis. "MSMs have a 20 per cent probability of being infected with HIV," explains a worried Kavi. "The major issue is that many in this group are also married to women and form an HIV infection 'bridge' in monogamous marriages."
Bisexuality in India isn't geo-sexual or class dominated. A study by Dr Ravi Verma and Martine Collumbien of 2004, published in the journal AIDS Volume 18, is based on a quantitative cross-section of 2,910 rural men in India, where identity or orientation was not the focus. Men with male partners had more female partners compared to men who had only female partners. Extramarital sex with women by bisexual men was 52.8 per cent versus 11.6 per cent with other married men. In addition, 41.5 per cent of single men with male partners reported female partners, compared with 24.5 per cent of those not homosexually active (defined as those who have had no intimate contact with men for last one year.
Almost all bisexuals interviewed confessed they deal with severe biphobia from heterosexuals and homosexuals alike.
Professor of clinical psychology at the Institute of Human Behaviour and Allied Sciences in New Delhi, Tej Bahadur Singh, calls it a result of certain kind of psycho-sexual development when some have sex with other men in their formative years either for pleasure or to experiment and some may have suffered abuse in childhood. But, "recent research has also brought a genetic dimension to it," Singh adds.
Indian eroticism is experiencing the bisexuals' day out. Two is a good crowd; three is certainly good company.
Reproduced From India Today
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